Due to life and aspirations, dreams, ages, choices and distances, I separated from my son's father whilst I was still pregnant. He needed a different life to the prospect of one with me and a Pre-Bean. The Bean, as a foetus, was not yet four months 'along' and I no longer had my fiancé and I was back in a country I hadn't lived in for a year and a half. I was jobless, broke and shocked into a reality I had not at all planned for.
I was also fairly heart broken.
But figuring it all out, that's the good stuff, right there.
That was nearly five years ago...
Just before The Bean was born, his father's sister (The Bean's 20 year old paternal Aunt) was killed in a horrible and traumatic bus accident. Unfortunately, The Bean's father witnessed this and 'was never the same again'.
When The Bean was one and a half I sent photos and update emails to his father and his paternal grandparents. They responded well.
When The Bean was three, and despite the previous court orders, I had to send all manner of emails and forms and requests for The Bean's passport to get approved, to The Bean's father in Canada. Because the court orders did not say exactly the right thing and, to have a whinge, the passport office is slightly more than pedantic, this would need to continue to happen every time The Bean needed a new passport.
When The Bean was three and a half I contacted his father to ask if he would like to begin some telephone contact with The Bean. The Bean had heard lots about dads and fathers at kinder and was in turn, asking lots of questions. Over the course of the following couple of months, The Bean's father responded to the negative.
This broke my heart again.
But one gets on with things and distraction is key with little people and Papas and Uncles and Guitar/Drum Teachers and Kinder Assistants and friends who are also Dads are gold in the role model department and wonderful at showing what being a good man is. The Bean does not lack positivity or love.
He just doesn't have a 'dad'.
But when, in no uncertain terms, The Bean's father expressed his thoughts, I figured some new court orders, without the passport office loophole, could be the next step.
I waited a year. Just in case he changed his mind about communication.
He didn't.
And today I signed some new orders.
I had them drawn up and they have been going between my solicitor and him, he hasn't contacted me. He signed without complaint and without dispute.
I believed that if the passport office can find a loophole, I never wanted anyone else to find a loophole. Especially other potential government agencies that, say, might have power to withhold treatment or funding or assistance to people with Asperger's without the consent of both parents.
I never wanted for my son's father's absence to impact on what my son needs.
I also have something of a stubbornness issue, an independence about me that never liked to ask permission to do things, especially from someone who has absolutely nothing to do with my life anymore.
Or the life of the life we created.
So in drawing up these papers my solicitor did have to inform The Bean's father about the Asperger's diagnosis. I wasn't keen on this before she sent them, but her explanations were acceptable and I let it go.
But in signing these papers, this morning, I realised that he knows. The Bean's father knows now that The Bean has Asperger's. Not, I guess, that I truly expected him to react to me, but I guess a part of you doesn't let go of certain things. Well, maybe just a part of me.
And I'm sad. And angry. That a person that I used to love, so much, can hear something about someone that I do love, immeasurably, and not react. I'm angry that, although stubbornly independent, he has never offered anything. Not a cent, not a word of support and now, not a word of encouragement or love or assistance.
And I can hear those that champion for me now - I don't need his recognition or approval. I don't need his support. I don't need his love. I don't need his money. I don't need anything from him or his family.
I know that.
But maybe a piece of me did need that stuff.
Things The Bean has said:
1. When The Bean is behaving badly, I count to five and if he hasn't stopped, he has to sit at the wall in the hallway. Think 'time out', but in my house, it's just 'sitting at the wall'. Of course, he hates it.
Me: 1... 2... 3... 4...
TB: All RIGHT! Mama, I don't like counting to five and then I have to sit at the wall. Just count to four and I'll listen.
2.
Me: Don't be ridiculous.
TB: Is that a dinosaur?
Me: Your face is a dinosaur.
TB *eye roll*: Mama...
3.
Me: Can you please put the cutlery away?
TB: Grrrrrr.
Me: Excuse me?!
TB: I wasn't growling at you, I just have to make that noise when I fly.
4. Angry Birds 1.
Me: Stop jumping on the couch.
TB: I'm not, I'm playing Angry Birds.
5. Aunty Lee 1.
The Bean's Aunty Lee had an art exhibition. Her work was in the Visual Media space.
TB: I like all the artworks Aunty Lee, but where's the artworks on the papery things?
6. Jeopardy 1.
My parents love a TV quiz show, The Bean was watching.
TB: What is the Mississippi?
(no this was not the correct answer)
7. Aunty Lee 2.
AL: Are you going to be an artist when you get bigger?
TB: Maybe, and I'm going to drive Puffing Billy.
8. Angry Birds 2:
TB: Mama, look at this Tweet Tweet bird.
Me: Is it going to break my couch?
TB: No, it's happy to the couch.
9. Motors 1.
TB: When I grow up I'm going to get a Honda Accord.
10. Aunty Lee 3.
Aunty Lee was getting The Bean out of the bath and she scraped her back on the closing shower screen door.
TB (nude): Oh no Aunty Lee! Do you want me to get the paw paw cream?
11. Jeopardy 2.
TB: What is a Christmas Tree?
12. Angry Birds 3. (Made up birds?)
TB: Blue giant birds shoot fire and green giant birds squirt slime whenever they get to the tower.
13. Motors 2.
TB: On the bus to the zoo, Kade said that a Lexus was a Lectus. He's so silly.
14. Angry Birds 4.
Me: STOP playing Angry Birds on my couch! PLEASE!
TB: I have to, it's my exercise.
