but we're all a bit weird, right?

In my family we have a history of crazy, of hyperactive thyroids, of DVTs, of diabetes (Type 1 and 2), of strokes, of alcoholism, of smoking, of working class, of blue eyes/brown eyes/grey eyes/green eyes, tall-ness, skinny and rounded bodies, big boobs, knobby knees, Dupuytren's Contracture, bunions, Autism, anxiety, depression, bulimia, anorexia, Restless Leg syndrome, nail biting, white lies, door slamming, shouting, good teeth but split cuticles, asthma, swearing, rock' n' roll appreciation, kissing people hello and goodbye, hugging, love of good films, love of stupid films (my Mum and my Brother LOVE those car racing ones - spew!), Uno, 500, photographs, good cooks from minimal ingredients, love of books and books and books and books.

We sound pretty intense.

We are, most of the time.

I've had a pretty intense week. I lost my shit the other day, over a tricky morning getting ready with The Bean after a tricky week at work for me. He wanted to get into the car as I was stepping out of the shower. I told him he could but I'd be a few minutes. After about 30 seconds he rushed back in all upset, he'd put the keys in the recycle bin instead of the recycling. I went out, in a towel, to retrieve my car keys. In a huff. 

He was super apologetic.

I told him it was ok, but that he needed to think.

He didn't mean it.

I know he didn't.

I went back inside and cried to Mark and raged and stomped and threw my clothes around and cried. And felt guilty for not being able or caring or coping. Because even though he doesn't mean it, even though he is usually the coolest, easiest, high function little person I know of, sometimes I just wish he didn't have Autism. I just wish I didn't have to go out into the driveway in a towel to retrieve keys from the depths of a bin. That doing that wasn't an isolated case. That I didn't have to argue every point. That I didn't have to back track to months ago when I said something I hadn't stuck to doing. That he'd remember to go to the toilet. That he'd be able to play with other kids without always being a bit weird. That he didn't need to do so many hand movies. That I could entertain him and figure out or understand the hand movies.

That I could make it better.

Because I have my own crazy. And I wish he didn't have to worry about me. That he didn't have to worry about anything and that worry and anxiety were not part of his deal. Not part of his journey. That I'd had enough for both of us. That I could take his away.

That I wish he didn't have any.

And then again, if I had to choose - the family history, the pre-dispositions, the genetics, the nightmares, the intensity, the arguments, the tears, the hugging, the towel on a cold morning getting car keys out of a bin.

I'd choose every single time, every single cell, for him to be exactly who he is. Exactly that Bean.

Because, Gods I love him.

Things The Bean has said:

1.

TB : Your spaghetti and Mark's spaghetti and Ninna's spaghetti needs 'Special' in front of it like 'Special Orange Soup'. Our family makes special food, don't they?

2

TB: Mama you have to come in here! I've made a huge mistake

Me (walking to his room): That's ok, that's how we learn.

TB: But I've got all the buttons in the wrong holes! You need to fix it.

3.

TB: Lighting is the blood of thunder clouds.. Really pouring out blood. Not like water. Like rain is water. Lightning is the really bad bits.

4.

TB: Your soul is the part of you that tells your brain all the things you love

5.

Tricky Monday morning explanation

TB: Why does war come out of freedom?  

6.

TB: My favourite sushi is chicken sushi and tuna sushi. People catch tuna because they actually want more sardines and tuna eats all the sardines so actually it's fair. But I don't want the tuna to die but I really love to eat tuna. So I guess that's just what happens.

7.

Talking about his French Canadian Aunty who died just before he was born.

TB: How old was she when she died?

Me: She was 18 or 19

TB: That's not good. Teenagers should live until they're about 100. Not just 19.

8.

TB sees feminine hygiene product.

TB: What do you use that for?

Me: Do you remember I told you how women have periods?

TB: Yeah.

Me: Do you remember what a period is?

TB: Yeah, like the Jurassic Period.

Me: Right, we need to have another talk.

9.

Me: What do you need to have when you're an adult?

TB: To do good in your job.

Me: So you need a job?

TB: I'm gonna be a diver.....

(Long talk about diving and boats and not needing to teach or work in a dive shop, that someone will just pay him to dive)

Me: Why do you need a job?

TB: To pay for diving.

Me: And what do we eat? Where do we live?

TB: Ugh, food and houses. But I'll just live on the boat..... Then if you have kids...

Me: So what do you need to have kids?

TB: Um....... A girl?

Me: Yup..

TB: Do you have to pay for them?!

Me: Hahahaha.. No not really, Hahahha.. but if you and your girlfriend have kids, you have to pay for them..

TB: You're going to send this message to people aren't you?

Me: Yup.

TB: I wonder if my kids will be sad when I go to work.

Me: Are you sad when I go to work?

TB: No, but I'm sad when Mark goes to work.

10.

TB : Did you know the earth used to be a blob of gold. Then it grew up and now that blob of gold is our core. And also that steam is made out of water. And way before anything, after the earth was built from that blob of gold it was raining gold from a star. The earth got made out of all the work the universe had to do. And that's how the gold coins got made. From that star! And if you dig in the mountains you can find gold! And the moon has different kind of air!

11.

TB soccer is just foot netball and netball is hand soccer.. It's the same game with different parts of the body!

12.

Me: I love radishes!

TB: I don't.

Me: You don't even know, you won't taste 'em.

TB: I can tell what they taste like with my face. Urgh!

13.

TB: Messages aren't you talking, it's just your phone and the other phone talking. To talk to you have to call them.

14.

TB: Why can't we go into bully's brains and shoot electricity into their bad parts and stop them being yuck to people

15.

Everything is awesome song on repeat out of TB's mouth

TB: I love this song!

Me: I know.

TB: Do you love this song?

Me: Honestly?

TB: Yeah

Me: I find it actually a little annoying

TB: Why?!

Me: Because it's only two lines repeating

TB: But that's why it's good. It means you can learn the song and sing it

Pause

Actually it's  great that it repeats 

16.

TB: Mama! I've discovered a scientific thing!

Me: Really? What scientific thing?

TB: If I clean my teeth really fast with one hand and hold the drawers with my other hand it makes the drawers wobble.. 

17.

TB: Dragon wasn't taught how to be a cat, he wasn't with his mama long enough.. He walks on two legs like a crazy monkey 

18. 

TB: Now that you've said that I won't nag anymore

Me: Yeah but nagging's not cool man, it means you're not listening to what...

TB: Yeah but I won't nag anymore!

Me: That's just because you got what you wanted!

TB: I know

19

TB: When's Mark coming back?

Me: Tomorrow night.

TB: Great! I can't wait for him to come back.

Me: yeah me either. You miss him?

TB: Nah I just need to ask him how to make the roller coaster turn around corners in minecraft. All my mining carts keep flying into the water. There's about a million in there.

20.

TB: It's too cold mama. This weather is nonsense

21.

TB: If I get too angry my brain goes like water and exploding and then fire and then like lava and then it explodes and then it's the end of the world.

22.

Running naked

Me: God I love your bum

TB: Why? That's a disgusting thing to like!

23.

How he wants to always cut his hair and I want him to always grow it long and shaggy.

Me: But your hair is looking so cool

TB: I don't want to look too cool, I like cool but I don't want to be TOO cool.

24.

Dragon gets a puffy tail

TB: I can calm dragon down like a cat magician

Me: Do you think if I ever have more babies you'll help calm them down too?

TB: Yeah, I'm the calming down magician for babies and cats.

25.

TB: Mama, you know what helps me dream? I think. Thinking is pretend dreaming

26.

TB: Is life real? I asked Riley's mum and she said yes

Me: What do you think?

TB: I think life is real life and dreams are in your brain. Because life happens in the real world and dreams go out of your brain. When you've edited them. But you know how we are made of stars?

Me: Yeah

TB: Well that means that stars all came to earth to be people. And there's millions and millions of stars.

27.

But then within minutes of the comment above.

TB: Imagine picking your nose all the way up to your brain!! That would hurt, d ya know why? Your brain's electric!!!!

28.

TB:Is pencil and grey lead a tattoo for paper?

29.

Me: How many sausages do you want?

TB: Maybe four. Or ten?

30.

Me: Did I explain that properly?

TB: Yeah I get it now

Me: I'm glad you ask me cool questions

TB: Yeah you explain things so I can understand

Me: Do I? When can't you understand things?

TB: Tests. Tests tell you to do things that no one in the world can ever understand, about paper clips and blue lines and stuff. Someone needs to change the instructions on tests

Me: What did the test ask you to do?

TB: It said to measure the blue line with the paper clip. But the paper clip was drawn on the test. I couldn't measure the line because I couldn't cut out the paper clip. They didn't give us any scissors! But I got through the question eventually, I had to draw paper clips on the line.

31.

Me: You're a whacko!

TB: Thank you!

32.

Promises it was made up in his brain!

TB: Mama, what's a tv that the sun watches?

Me: I dunno, what?

TB: A sun screen!

33.

I've been marking Year 12 exams this year as an official assessor (never again mind you, but there's on experience I've had!)

TB: How are your exams going?

Me: They're ok, I've still got 35 to go.

TB: 35!? That's good! You used to have 200 and now you've only 35 left! How many is 200 minus 35?

Me: 165, that's how many I've done.

TB: Wow!!! 165? You must know all the answers now!

34.

TB: What's the fastest thing in the world that's turbo?
Me: What? I dunno.
TB: The peregrine falcon, it's 320 kilometres an hour in it's hunting dive.

35.

TB: Can you tell me how you vote? Do you go in and sit on a chair and close your eyes and tell the people what you want to vote for?

The Bean Sprout

The Bean
The Jelly Bean
Bean Sprout
Beans
TB
Beaners
Beano

He has slowly, partially moved from Angry Birds towards Star Wars, logically via Angry Birds Star Wars. He has some plastic lightsabers. He has watched A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back but refuses to watch The Return of the Jedi until he's 'an adult'. Certainly, it's because the end of Empire Strikes Back, when Luke got his arm cut off, and Vader, was well, you know (I hate spoilers) was just too scary. Light saber noises accompany most tasks. Putting dishes away requires wars between forks and spoons. He and his friend, Oliver, gave each other flying lessons. Oliver hurt himself as he flew into Maddy's head. The Bean, reportedly, was fine, because he is a better flyer than Oliver, and Cameron as well I'm told, because he knows how to steer his arms.

But I've been equally obsessed with moving to a beach side, country house, living a vegie patch, hippy school, organic cooking, yogi life. I'm obsessed with teaching about the media's representation of life, gender, culture, status, power, bodies, struggles, triumphs. I'm obsessed with HBO, Netflix, AMC. I'm obsessed with yoga. I'm obsessed with awareness.

Everyone's the same. Everyone is connected.

Life is good. Life is tricky. Life is funny. Life is tiring. Life is busy. Life is difficult.

Life is a journey.

Life is beautiful.


Things The Bean has said:

1. TB : Mama we should just go sit at the train station one day and watch all the trains go past. All day.

2.
TB: Mama, I wish we could control the weather.

Me: But what if I wanted it to be hot and you wanted it to be cold?

TB: But I would let it be hot in the day time and I would just make it cold in the night time. I miss my doona.

3.

Me: Do you want to have a party?

TB: Nah, I just want my Angry Birds cake on my birthday.

Me: Well, who do you to come over?

TB: Well Hayden said he wanted to come.

Me: That means it will be a party on the Saturday.

TB: No, I want my cake on my birthday.

Me: That's the Thursday, you can't have a party on a school night.

TB: We'll just have to make my birthday a holiday, then.


4.

TB: You don't need to tell me that because I crept over when you were on the phone.

Me: You crept over?

TB: Yeah I crept over with my ears and heard you


5.

TB: Does the cash machine have cotton to build all the cash?


6.

TB: When you put things in a speech bubble it doesn't even need speech marks

Me: No?

TB: No 'cause the speech bubble is an arrow to the person talking

Me: Who taught you that?

TB: I taught myself. Speech bubbles don't need speech marks because they're like a bag of words.


7.

TB: I can't eat my breakfast too quick or else I'll get brain freeze..


8.

TB: Mama, you're eye never closes, your skin closes, but your eye just sits there

Me: You're right.

TB: It's mostly just sees the dark


9. Spoiled??

TB: When are we gonna go on another holiday?

Me: You mean overseas?

TB: Yeah

Me: We go to Langkawi in September

TB: I can't wait that long! I need to go on another holiday now!!! NOW!


10. Car racing on the rug in the lounge room.

TB: Look Mama these cars all have super powers to make them go faster.. This one shoots lasers out the back, this one does skids in the air it's so fast, this one moves at the speed of super fast light. This one shoots other cars with spikes. When this one goes fast it does an echo and it goes really fast and echoes come out. You've got to see this one, Mama, this one isn't very shiny but it picks up other cars and shoots them - he actually does a death charge. This one does shock waves and sends out a big shock web that goes everywhere. And this one, this one Mama, shoots pizzas.


11. Drawing a picture of 'Cheese Land'

Me: I bet uncle Abum would like to live in cheese land

TB: No he wouldn't

Me: But he loves cheese. You love cheese.

TB: Yeah but it stinks there

12.

TB: See Mama the windscreen wipers are fighting. The one on your side is pushing water breakfast to the other one and he's just pushing it down. He doesn't want it

13.
TB: Sometimes dots on your face make you really sick

14. Avoiding food additives (we both have yucky reactions to them)

TB: Next birthday I want a Star Wars party.

Me: Ok, so what kind of cake?

TB: A Star Wars one.

Me: Yeah, but what part of Star Wars? A character or a ship or what?

TB: No, just Star Wars

Me: Oh, you mean the words 'Star Wars'?

TB: Yeah.

Me: So what colour.

TB: Mama, the Star Wars colour! ORANGE! But it will be easy to make it orange because there's lots of orange things that don't have numbers.. I was thinking you could use, you know, those lentils.. That'll work..


15. I can't explain this one, either he secretly watches Game of Thrones when I'm not watching, he secretly reads Game of Thrones when I'm not watching. Or, maybe, he's a bit creepy?

TB: Halloween is for all the scary monsters who were in the war to come back to the earth.. Like Frankenstein.. And they made the earth. And they were made in castles. And also they had no guns but they used their scary power that the ghosts scared people and shrunk people and they bended their knees. And they were frozen to the one spot. And some of them couldn't even see. And the castles had to fight by themselves. And some castles were transformers and they could fight them off! And now we're lucky we're in the fourth state of life. Where there are no scary things..

16. Reaches for a face washer I'm holding out to him

TB: I'm using the force

Me: Hahah

TB: Did it wobble?

17
Me: If I have another baby one day, will you help look after it?

TB: Yup, I'll feed it. Like Dragon

Me: Hahah

TB: When you say it's time to feed the baby I'll just feed the baby and then I'll feed Dragon. He'll just have to wait.


18. Has a cold.
TB: I'm not sure how I got sick, Mama.
Me: Does someone at school maybe have a cold?
TB: Hmmmm, nope. But Darcy drew a picture in Maddy's spelling book, of a cat with a booger out it's nose. Maybe I got sick when I looked at her picture.
Me: hahahah
TB: Don't you remember you said to me one time that I can look at people and get sick?

obsessed

We had morning tea with an old friend yesterday. Both our little dudes are ASD powerhouses and she and I both seemed to see how hilarious and brilliant they are, while simultaneously being overwhelmingly frustrated with their complete Whack Job-i-ness.

The boys, within minutes, were in a complete aeroplane/Angry Birds imaginary world - TB being happily taken along by the former and contributing whole heartedly to the latter. They were happy and insane and she and I were drinking coffee and laughing. We don't see each other very often, maybe once or twice a year although we literally live up the road from each other - literally. But as we all know life and time is busy, but as the old cliche goes, we always pick up where we left off and it was great.

We were talking about how the boys are, she could have a blog all of her own for the hilarity that comes out of her wee man's mouth, and we were in tears about the latest and greatest pearls of wisdom. 

I was asking her about the obsessions in her house, TB is so about Angry Birds at the moment I'm about ready to shoot myself in the face, and her son is all about planes. In fact, on her recent trip to Bali, his first ever trip overseas, after she had planned water park, wildlife, temple visit, beach, pool, food adventures, ALL he talked about, to anyone who would listen, was the plane rides!

She had, last year, completed a course on emotional training and had, luckily, an ASD adult taking the course as well. She said that the trainers had nothing on the insight of this woman and she learnt so much from just listening to an adult Aspie explain exactly how it was - she was smarter than most people (she explained that it wasn't a judgment call, she just knew it), she couldn't at all fathom why Neurotypical (NT) people were so higgledy piggledy with the way they did everything, with all their emotions and hang ups, that she had learned that she needed to function in the NT world in order to fulfill her needs but also, that NT peeps would never be able to fathom the ASD obsessiveness.

This woman, once obsessed, needed to know everything about the thing that she loved. That she needed to explain, in infinite detail everything she had learned, every step along the way. That it was enough for her listeners to just make the right noises, to repeat back little bits of the conversation back (to show that they'd heard, if they didn't do this, she would need to explain again) in order for her to move on - to either finding out more info or to a new obsession (once everything was learned).

When my friend told me this, I looked into the lounge room at The Bean. I did switch off, often, when he starts telling me things. I hate that I do it, but I just don't care that much about Angry Birds. In fact, I'm really starting to dislike them. But that's not the point, is it? He LOVES them. And he needs, from me at the very least, but probably from everyone who loves him, to show interest in the things that he loves.

Because that's just how we love people.


So here are a list of both mine and The Jelly Bean's obsessions - some of them are from the past, some of them are present obsessions, some are long term, some will never ever go away.

* Trains
* Yoga
* Travel
* Angry Birds
* Red Hot Chili Peppers
* Grunge music
* Quentin Tarantino
* Dinosaurs
* Marbles
* The beach
* Dragon Cat
* the Coen Brothers
* Blues music
* Organic everything
* the Human Body
* Space
* the Babysitter's Club
* Writing
* Tattoos
* Boys
* Jenga
* Sir David Attenborough
* the Ocean
* Sustainability
* Batman
* Dragons
* Lego
* Pigs
* Gardening
* Vegetarianism
* Johnny Depp/Keanu Reeves/KurtCobain/Leonardo Di Caprio/Axl Rose/ Jon Bon Jovi/ Ice-T/Jimmy Smits/ Charlie Hunnam/Alexander Skarsgaard/Heath Ledger......
* Camping
* Op Shops
* Magic
* Harry Potter
* Dracula
* Sesame Street
* Asperger Syndrome
* Whales
* Dolphins
* Radio
* Colouring in
* Candles
* Namaste
* Buddhism
* Trampolines
* Coffee
* The Jelly Bean

I guess we're all kinda obsessed. We're all kinda whack jobs. My friend and I coined the perfect phrase yesterday. 

Some of us are just 'High Functioning Whack Jobs'.

Things The Bean has said:

1. This is what I'm talking about!

Me: I had a good time at yoga today.
TB: Did your brain get happy?
Me: Yup
TB: Was it like all the Angry Birds were dancing around in your brain with happiness?

2. Corn
Me: See corn is yum.
TB: I don't like corn. It tastes like rocks and sticks. It tastes like rocks and sticks and twigs and stones all stuck together - that's what corn is made out of.

3. One of my brother's and my fave dishes when we were younger (an now, let's be honest) is Dad noodles - my father's invention.
TB: These Dad noodles are yum! Can I have some more when I'm finished?
Me: Sure.
TB: Yum yum yum, scribble all over the world even into space. ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE!


4. War 1
Me: I love coffee! I love coffee! I love coffee! I love coffee!
TB: Stop saying it!
Me: well you tell me all the time that you love Angry Birds!
TB: But Angry Birds is better than coffee.
Me: No way, man.
TB: Yes way. Angry Birds save the world.
Me: They do not, they just kill pigs.
TB: That is saving the world.

5.
TB: I could read yesterday in my brain.
Me: Yeah?
TB: My brain whispered the words and sent them out my ears and then it went back into my ears and up to my brain again and I heard it...... You can't see sounds can you?

6. Christmas shopping.
Me: What should we get for Ninna other than something with dragon flies? What else does she like?
TB: Red.
Me: She does like red. So what then?
TB: Some cherries... Or Paint.

7. 
TB: No Mama, I'm already completely full. The poos are ready to come out, they're just stuck in traffic.

8. 
Me: Clean your teeth properly. Like I showed you.
TB: You do it super fast and it's scratchy. 
Me: You need to do it harder than you do it.
TB: When you do that I want to throw my toothbrush away to the moon!

9. Looking at the globe.
TB: I know London. L-on-don. It's an olden days word, the sound of a big clock ticking.

10.
TB: What movie are you going to see?
Me: It's called 'Catching Fire'
TB: That's a weird thing to catch, you can't take it home.

11. We had to have a chill out in my room while we had a house full of Sharer's (for more info if you haven't heard of it - www.facebook.com/happysharingday)
Me: Sharing Day gets a bit busy doesn't it?
TB: Yeah... But I didn't think I'd feel so happy.

12. 
Me: Aussie mite is my favourite toast.
TB: I know, Mama.
Me: And you're my favourite child to eat up.
TB: Nooooooo! You can't eat me up.
Me: I can! I'm your Mama, I get to eat you up.
TB: Mama, what do I always wear?
Me: Huh? Your school uniform?
TB: No, clothes. And you can't eat things that wear clothes. Am I right?

13. 
TB: Mama, do you know what I wish I had?
Me: What?
TB: A whale spout.
Me: Hahahahahah
TB: Then I wouldn't need to breathe through my mouth, I could just breathe through my head.... But you wouldn't like it Mama.
Me: Why?
TB: Because I'd have to live outside.

14.
TB: Mama, do you know what Olivia said at school?
Me: What?
TB: She said there's such a thing as girl power.
Me: Oh, yeah?
TB: Yeah, but she said there's not boy power.
Me: Well, it's not that there's no boy power, it's just that she's a girl and...
TB (in rage!): But Mama, what have I got at home?!
Me: What?!
TB: TWO light sabers!


15. Hippy.
TB: Mama, are you going to get that thing that came on when we were listening to Pandora?
Me: The speaker thing?
TB: Yeah.
Me: No that was just advertising, trying to get us to buy that speaker thing.
TB: I wish I could eat the whole world and say no advertising. And then I would spit it back out and go back into the world and land back home and there would be no more advertising.

16.
TB: Mama, it's not fair that kids get cafes and restaurants and adults get cafes and restaurants and bars. The world just needs to change.

17. Campsite buddhist philosophising with me and his Aunty Cat, that made my heart swell in awe.
TB: I think we're in a practice life.
AC: What do you mean?
TB: That this one is a practice and when we die we get a second life because we will get it right then.
AC: Really? Do you think anyone is on their second life already?
TB: No, everyone is still on their first life.
Me: I think you're very wise. I think maybe you're on your second life.
TB: Really? But I don't get life.
Me: What don't you get?
TB: Like how all the colours are made.


Post script
Last night I told the Jelly Bean to get in the car to go out for dinner, at a restaurant, for a friend's birthday. Upon arrival he asks me where his shoes are...