recognition

We went to a Teddy Bear's Picnic birthday party yesterday. The Bean was one of the big kids (it was his friend's little sister's party) and he was happy to play and eat snacks and run around with the little ones and ignore the little ones and play with the big ones. Or simply eat snacks. And play by himself.

Not long after arriving another little guy was playing near me and within about 5 seconds I knew he was on the spectrum. He was making the same noise over and over again. He was flying a car around the perimeter of the back garden and he flew the car past my leg. 

I introduced myself.

He ignored me.

I smiled, asked his name.

He didn't look at me. I told him I thought his car was cool.

His mum buzzed in. Coached him to speak to me. Told me his name was O and then promptly removed him from my company.

Which was fine. I felt patronising and condescending and wise and knowledgable and knew that she was on the same path as me.

Later, when Pass the Parcel was beginning, O's seat got taken by another little girl. He lost it. He cried. He shouted. He pointed at the little girl. He cried some more. His mum was dealing with him in tears, had O's baby sister on her hip, seemed flustered and on edge and embarrassed and placating and stressed and embarrassed. I was down at the little people level and asked O's mum if I could help. I asked O if he'd like to sit next to The Bean. The Bean promptly told me that he didn't want to play Pass the Parcel and went to play on the verandah with some toys. I told O that he could go play with The Bean if he liked, but O wanted to play. O wanted his seat back. It was his seat. The mother of the other girl removed her child, to placate O, but to her own daughter's tears.

I sat down on the verandah with The Bean and told had a chat to him about O. I told him that O was maybe a little bit like him. I said 'You know, how you've got Asperger's. Well maybe O's brain works similar to yours.' The Bean just nodded, said, 'Yeah'.

But then I felt like a nightmare busy body, and apologised to the mother a few minutes later. I said I shouldn't have stepped in, I was trying to help as The Bean has similar outbursts sometimes but that it wasn't my business. I apologised.

She replied, instead, with gratitude for my intervention. She said she'd heard me speaking about being a teacher, assuming, I guess, that that was where my knowledge had come from. I think it's just learning since having a Bean.

We had a quick chat, O's mum was aware of the things that made O 'different' and the stress that he suffered. She was flustered in that she had O's baby sister as well. I told her The Bean had done similar things, that The Bean sometimes reacted in similar ways. We talked a bit more. I didn't tell her that The Bean has Asperger's. It didn't seem necessary. But then The Bean came past.

Looking for snacks.

I then coached The Bean. I introduced O and told The Bean that O liked trucks the same way that The Bean likes Angry Birds (at the moment). I whispered to The Bean that he could ask O about his favourite trucks. 

The Bean sat down, said hi to O, said his name was Harper. O's mum coached O on replying with the appropriate responses. The Bean asked O what his favourite truck was, O proceeded to do a demonstration of a monster truck around the garden. The Bean laughed. 

Later when O was awkwardly trying to join in on the football handballing, when he was hugging kids he didn't know, when The Bean was helping his friend's sister with her new present I saw, literally, in front of my eyes how far my Bean has come. 

He's still awkward with balls. He still can't ride a bike. He still needs his Mama to coach him on what to say when in social situations. But he's brave. He's hilarious. He joins in. He understands when I tell him as one of the big kids, he needs to look after the little kids. That's the responsibility of being older. We look after our friends and we help them. He cares when someone gets hurt (although he might awkwardly laugh at first, but, admittedly, I do that, too).

The Bean is eloquent even though he gets words mixed up. He uses 'infinity', 'definitely', 'ridiculous', 'conversation' and 'characters' correctly but he mixes up 'breakfast'. I know they're not tricky words, but he's six and even his vocabulary makes me proud. He doesn't really care how other people are, in the standard 'Hi, how are you?' convention. But when he asks me how my day was, un-coached, unprompted, I know he genuinely wants to know. When he remembers at night that I had something big or special or tricky to do that day, and he asks me how it went, I am filled with pride and heart sunshine.

And when he asks other kids about trucks because he knows they're a bit like him. When he genuinely tries to make them feel happy, despite the conventions and the expectations, but asking more questions about trucks. 

I just want to burst.


Things The Bean has said:

1. Playing with his friend at Ninna and Papa's house #1:
On the scooters.
*Crash*
TB - from down the footpath: I'm all right, I was just using too much super power.

2. Placebo's new album has been playing in my car, on repeat, for a couple of weeks. I do that... The Bean has been singing a couple of songs around the place, too.
Brian Molko (singing): Look me in the eyes, say that again...
TB: Mama, if he did get locked in the ice, he'd be frozen.

3. At a friend's for dinner.
H (TB's friend) was pointing out at his family and Me and TB whether or not we ate like birds or ate like horses. When he'd finished...
TB: Sometimes birds eat like horses, you know.

4. On the iPad
Me: Can you please turn Angry Birds down.
TB: It's on three.
Me: Can you turn it down to two for a minute, please?
TB: Three is also two, two plus one.

5. Remembering my motivations.
Me: I'm going to go to yoga and then I'm going to do reading with you guys at school.
TB: Is your brain sore?
Me: Huh? No.
TB: Is your brain jiggly? Is that why you need to go to yoga?
Me: Oh, no, babe. Nah, I'm fine, but it's good to do things for your body and your brain before they get sore.

6. After the 7476th conversation about Angry Birds for the week...
TB: How many more sleeps until Christmas?
Me - finger counting: 43
TB:Oh, that's not much, everyone can count to 43!

7. Before the birthday party yesterday.
TB: Dairmuhd and Z's teddy are similar.
Me: Yeah, they are similar. But their fur is a bit different and Dairmuhd has writing on his feet and I think that Z's teddy is a girl.
TB: Of course it is!
Me: How do you know?
TB: It wears pink sunglasses.
Me: hahaha
TB: And Dairmuhd's a boy 'cause he likes dinosaurs.

8. Grilling.
TB: What's this open for?
Me: I'm making you toasted cheese.
TB: No you said cheese on toast!!
Me: It's the same thing.
TB: No it isn't, I don't want my cheese all rusted!

9. Playing with his friend at Ninna and Papa's house #2.
TB - drawing a chalk butterfly for Hannah.
TB: Once upon a time there was a butterfly and her name was Hannah..

See why I just want to burst?

meltdown

The Jelly Bean doesn't really have that many melt downs. They are not as commonplace for us as they are for other spectrum related families that I know of, and for this I am grateful. Not that my experience or their experience is better or worse. But just that they are not the fun part of Autism. They hurt. Everyone involved.

I'm not sure if I've documented the Bean's previous super meltdowns, of which I can luckily count on less than one hand, but a meltdown is much more than a tantrum. It is usually more intense, it is beyond any control of the Bean and when in the old days some outside observer might say he was a spoiled brat that needs a good smack, I just try to breathe through it and calm him down.

The past two major meltdowns have been in relation to his environment. One when we were in Thailand in January, relating to the stability of a pontoon that he had to get on to and one a few months ago when a moth got into the car. Neither of these meltdowns were avoidable and neither of them were by 'choice'. He wasn't not getting his way and therefore 'chucking a wobbly', he was shitting his proverbial pants in all consuming fear.

Until today...

This year was the first year that we did Halloween. I'm not into it. It is all about, to me, in this society, about a consumption mind set that I'm trying every day to avoid. He can't eat the majority of the lollies anyway, as they are filled with additives that make him jiggle and crampy. The plastic, throw away decorations are not my scene and the individually wrapped treats are not good for the soul or the planet. 

That being said, two of the Bean's very close friends were doing Halloween. I'm very close friends with their mum. The Bean got dressed up as Beetlejuice (I had to have some say in the affair) and we went for a lovely Springtime evening walk and the kids had fun and we divided up the 'loot' and that was that.

Until today...

We were at an op shop. He wanted a plastic pumpkin shaped bucket for Trick or Treating next year. I called it.

It is not my thing.

I don't like plastic.

I said no.

And I continued to say no until we left the shop.

I didn't get any remnant fabric to make a beach tee pee out of for the summer.

I didn't get to try on the three summery dresses I had picked up as we walked in.

I said no.

Again.

He asked and asked and asked why?

I told him that he knew I didn't like plastic, that it would break, that he would maybe use it for two Halloweens and then he would be too big or it would be too broken and then if would go in the rubbish and live in the earth for the rest of forever and I didn't believe in that.

Most times he agrees with me on this.

Until today.

He tried to convince me. He promised he'd use the bucket until he was an old man. He promised he wouldn't let it get broken. He promised that this plastic would be fine. He wanted the bucket. He needed the bucket.

I said no.

And this time, I stuck to it.

He started to cry when I paid for a train book for him instead. He started to really cry. I took the bucket out of his hands and I gave it to the woman at the counter.

He started to scream.

We left the shop and he was screaming at me and he was balling his eyes out.

He hit me in the leg. I raised my eyebrows. I got scary calm. I asked him if we hit people.

He screamed at me some more.

I made him sit at the wall outside the shop, in the middle of the street while he screamed.

Not crying.

Screaming.

After an eternal couple of minutes I got him up and bought some lunch. He screamed in that shop, too.

He got in the car, hitting me again on the way.

But he ate.

He kept crying.

And I drove my car.

Scary calm.



Things The Bean has said:

1. Touching a skin bump thing on my calf.

TB: Can you feel this?
Me: Yeah
TB: What is it?
Me: I dunno, it's just a bump of skin. Ninna's got one on her leg, too.
TB: It's all pumped up. It's like leg flat bread.

2. 
Me: What have you been doing in the bathroom?
TB: Nothing.
Me: Go look at your face and your chest in the mirrir.
TB, walking off...
TB: I tried to wash it off!!!
Me: What is it?
TB: I dunno, your paint brush pencil thing.
Me: Where is it?
TB: Um... It was just here. 
Me: Did you put it back in the drawer?
TB: I think it might be down the sink.

3. 
Me: Take that ring off while you're in bed.
TB: Why?
Me: Because I don't want you to fiddle with it.
TB: I won't fiddle with it.
Me: You will. I just want you to fo to sleep.
TB: I won't fiddle with it, Mama. I don't even know what fiddle means.

4. 
Me: I've been thinking, maybe one day we could go on a big long adventure around Australia. For a whole year. And you could take your skateboard.
TB: And my scooter?
Me: And your scooter.
TB: And my bed.
Me: No, not your bed. We'll be camping or in a kombi van or something.
TB: When?
Me: I dunno, maybe in a year or two.
TB: How about the end of the week?

5.
TB: I feel like I'm in a different world when I do travelling.

6. After donating to the CFA shaky tin guys at the traffic lights.
TB: Why did we give them money?
Me - very long lecture about the importance of CFA volunteers and why they're awesome and what risks they take and how their families have to do things without them.. And on.. And on..
TB: And they need food to eat.
Me: They definitely need food to eat. And it's good to donate to people so they can be so helpful and brave.
TB: Yeah. And the CFA needs lots of hoses.

7. Aspie Insight #1?
TB: When I get confused, question marks just swim around my head.

8. Aspie Insight #2? - After a second plan came home with him.
Me: Why do you need another plan for when Mark comes over? Don't you like it when Mark is here?
TB: I love it when Mark comes over. 
Me: So why do you need another plan.
TB: This one will work. I need to stop being yucky to you.
Me: Thanks love. But do you know why you get silly and yucky?
TB: I get so excited and there's too much in my brain and my brain shrinks and plays with all the other brains and you and Mark are talking and I can't remember what you told me to do.

9. Aspie Insight #3? - Post Meltdown, Today.
Me: Are you ok to come with me to the green grocer now? Is your brain quiet and calm now.
TB: Yeah, it's asleep.

10. Aspie Insight #4? Tonight at bedtime.
TB: Do we have time to read a chapter from Charlotte's Web tonight?
Me: Nah, i think you just need to go to sleep, baby. When you have a big thing like what happened today, when you were crying and screaming, you need to have a big rest.
TB: Yeah. 
Me: Are you ok now?
TB: Yeah, when my brain gets like that, it's like there's lots of kids running around in my head and poking my brain and playing.
Me: Like when your brain shrinks and plays with the other brains.
TB: No, they poke my big brain.
Me: Really?
TB: Yeah, and when you say 'no' or something bad happens it makes my big brain crazy. And those kids poking my brain poke your brain, too, and they make you crazy.
Me: Yeah... Good night, Beano, I'll eat you up I love you, so.
TB: I'll eat you up I love you so.

just for laughs

I wasn't really sure what I wanted to write about today. I really just wanted to write down the latest 'Things the Bean has said' and acknowledge in blog form (not just to my friends and the facebook universe) that I received my first standing ovation last night...

The Bean gave me a standing ovation for his dinner - it was jacket potatoes.



The Things The Bean has said:

1.
Me: Give your Aunty Andrea a cuddle goodbye.
A: Oh thanks darlin', you're the best hugger
TB: And it's easy, I didn't even need to get taught!

2. Crossing the road.
Me: Is there any cars coming?
TB: No, but there is a shark attack coming.

3. 
TB: Mama, there's definitely something wrong with your microwave, this spaghetti is way too hot to eat.

4. After his first school production.
Me: I really liked your performance.
TB *filled with rage*: It's not a performance! Everyone keeps saying performance and concert! It's a production!!!
Me: Well, 'production; and 'performance' and 'concert' are all similar words.
TB: No productions are bigger than concerts and have more people and dances that performances!

5.
TB: I'm so excited! My brain and my heart are actually wiggling!

6. 
TB: The company that's called 'Lease' have lots and lots of houses to build in Australia. They have signs all over the place!

7. After his first venture into watching Back to the Future.
TB: Mama, I wish you had a Delorean in the carport.

8. Buying his girlfriend a birthday present.
Me: She doesn't really like fairies and princess does she?
TB: Nah, she's too cool for fairies and princess stuff.

9. Mix up on the standard morning nagging conversation.
Me: Come one, eat your breakfast. I need to get in the shower.
TB: Then just get in the shower now.
Me: No because if I do that and tell you to get ready while I'm in there, you'll just get naked and sit on the mat playing.
TB: Hahahaha, no I won't.
Me: You always do.
TB: Hahahaha
Me: Do you love getting naked?
TB: Noooooo! I don't want to show everyone my parts.

10. Reading a book set in ye olde times.
TB: Mama, I've noticed something. We use lights a lot to see when it's dark, but in these weeks they used candles.
Me: Years?
TB: Yeah. ANd they didn't have cars.
Me: Nope.
TB: Why?
Me: Because they didn't have electricity and motors and engines and stuff. It wasn't invented yet.
TB: But electricity is important.
Me: Yeah but we used to live like that. Humans. We had candles and fires. We didn't have heaters in the wall.
TB: Did they have hats.
Me: Hehehehe, yup.
TB: Did they have girls?

baby teeth and a fairly disastrous, train-wreck of a one-sided Sunday morning sex talk conversation

Part 1 - baby teeth

The Bean lost his first two teeth months and months ago. And it had very little impact on me. My biggest challenge at the time was the further lies I'd be telling regarding the Tooth Fairy and how lying to him is my greatest regret. I still struggle with all these made up characters and it is one thing I do blindly. I continue to perpetuate the myths to fit in and I'm really not sure how I'm going to deal with the fall out when it happens. I remember being gutted and unsure why my folks lied to me. 

Gah, I'm that guy!

But these teeth keep falling out. He's lost two in the past ten days and his top middle two are as wobbly as all get out. He looks so cute and gappy. I love it.

But then I realise. It hits me with a punch in the stomach that my wee man, is getting all growed up.

When we were in Malaysia I took a photo of him that made me realise what he's going to look like when he's a teenager. It was a perfect man-child photo and it has shocked the shit out of me.

See - man bean!

And, with all his teeth falling out I am feeling a massive sense of mortality. Not my own, so much, but his. He will get to the big stuff soon. He will be an adult. He will need to look after himself. He will need to learn to tie those shoelaces and figure out the tricky zips by himself and cook his own spaghetti and pancakes and special orange soup. He'll need to decide how to live his life, where to travel to, who to kiss, how to say no, how to love himself, how to be compassionate when he doesn't give a rat's, how to walk away when things are too painful or bad news, how to stay and work things out when they're worth the effort, how to manage his money and get up in time for work. He'll need to be responsible for his own decisions, accept his mistakes without torturing himself for making them, accept others' mistakes towards him, without writing them off. He'll have to understand that the world and the people in it are equally flawed and beautiful.

He'll have to accept that he is, too.



Part 2 - a fairly disastrous, train-wreck of a one-sided Sunday morning sex talk conversation

TB: Why has Dragon got a tattoo in his ear?
Me: Well, when animals get 'fixed', the vet puts a tattoo in their ears so people know that that's happened.
TB - Confused face
Me: Getting fixed means that they take their bollocks off so that they can't have any or anymore babies.
TB - Confused face
Me: Well, you know how under, behind your dangle you have your bollocks?
TB - nods.
Me: Well, another name for your bollocks are your testicles. And testicles are what helps boys, um males, men, to have babies. When they're men.
TB: Ok.
Me: So inside your testicles, when you're a man, is sperm. And you know how sperm and eggs make babies. Like on David Attenborough?
TB: Yeah, it looks like smoke.
Me: Well, yeah, kinda, it's kinda like smoke when fish do it. I mean. When fish spawn. Well, spawning is like having sperm out in the water to get to the eggs in the water. But that's not really the sperm, the sperm is inside the stuff that looks like smoke.
TB: So sperm is smoke?
Me: Oh god.
TB: And the smoke gets in the eggs to make baby fish.
Me: Well not really, in mammals, the smoke is called semen. Hey, let's not call it smoke, ok? The sperm is in the semen and that goes to the eggs so that babies can get made.
TB - stands up and makes smoke with his hands and smoke noises.
TB: Ok Mama, let's pretend your head is an egg.
Me: You don't make babies with your Mama!!!
TB: No, we're just pretending that your head is an egg and all this is smoke sperm.
Me: Ok, you need to go do some homework.
TB - Confused face
TB: Ok, Mama.

Me - dies a little inside.



Things The Bean has said:

1. Acupuncture and TB's favourite colours.

TB: I like going to Serena's cause she has my favourite colour chair - blue. Do you know where I got blue from?

Me: The ocean?

TB: Yep and the sky 

Me: And your eyes?

TB: Yeh I got blue from my eyes and out it into my brain

and I green from that thing.

Me: And gold?

TB: No were not talking about gold. Do you know where I got green from?

Me: Nature?

TB: Yes the plants and trees.

Me: And grass?

TB: Yes

Me: And gold?

TB: That's a guessing game..

Me: Um, the sun?

TB: No that's yellow

Me: Oh um the rock?

TB: No, pirates. They catch it

2. Listening to Lanie Lane sing about cowboys.

TB: I've never actually heard of someone falling in love with a cowboy

3. 

TB: Meeeeow. I think that's how you say mama in cat

4. 

TB: I take a photo of it if its important. With my eyes. It flashes into my brain.

5. Chelsea anomoly.

TB: Mama, this is Chelsea, it's not a desert.

Me: No.

TB: But there's cactuses

6. Napoleon?

TB: Mama do you know what I wish for?

Me:What?

TB: A world reminder button.

Me: What does it do

TB: It rewinds the earth so you can go back to whatever you wanted and wherever you wanted. Whatever part of your life.. 

Me: What would you rewind to?

TB: Fun things I that I did.

Me: Like what

TB: I don't know, the days I like.. Or you might rewind forwards, like if you wanted to Oscar's house or to go to swimming at school..

Me: Where would you go back to?

TB: I just said.

Me: You just said where you'd go forward to, where would you go backwards to?

TB: Things that you don't remember. Things that you do remember. Things that you kinda remember. You might back to you favourite movie or your favourite friend. You might go back to when your baby. But the reminder button can't come, it can't get delivered. It can only come if the world gives it to us.

Me: But what is one of the things would you like to go back to?

TB: Mama! Like somewhere we've travelled to?

Me: That can happen without a reminder button..

TB: Ok, a cable car, or a play centre.

7.

Me: Look at all the leftovers, maybe we can have it for lunch tomorrow..

TB: Nah..

Me: Why?! Didn't you like it?

TB: I have to have sandwiches for lunch. Sandwiches are important for lunch.

Me: Dinner then?

TB: Yeh, dinner's good.

8.

Me: Do you know how much I love you?

TB: 150 million kilometres of love.

9. Running around with his David Attenborough voice and a big blue piece of muslin..

TB: "See this its a gulper bag it has tiny eyes but a ginormous mouth..

It eats at the deep abyss.

It can even eat humans because they are medium.

Some are even tiny

You can't escape it with your escape action because it can disappear totally!"

* Dragon runs past *

TB: It can even eat your pet cat.

10. Asking lots of questions about his dad

TB: When was he here?

Me: In 2006.
TB: What was his name, again?

Me: Antoine.
TB: Where in Canada is he from?

Me: Montreal which is in Quebec.
TB: Do I have bouncy shoes?

11.
TB: We see people grow at school

There's a tiny person inside them and it fixes them in a special growing tower and it pushes them up.They grow up the tower.

12. 
Me: Here taste this - it's radish

TB: I'm I don't like it. It tastes like dust

Me: It doesn't taste like dust it tastes like radish

TB: Well, radish tastes like dust 

13.
Me: Do you know why we eat organic food?

TB: Why?

Me: 'Cause organic food doesn't use any chemicals to make it grow.

TB: Organic food uses nature to grow cause nature doesn't have any chemicals

Me: Yeh, well the chemicals that nature has helps the plants to grow

TB: Except if a volcano erupts on them

Me: Yeh if a volcano erupts on them the plants aren't gonna grow.

Hmmm, I'm gonna give dragon a hug

14. 
TB: Mama, I've got a lot of jobs I'm gonna do web I grow up..

Me: Yeah?

TB: Yup. Train driver, Sea Shepherd, Teacher AND Rock Star!

15. Tears over me saying no to pancakes on a school day.

TB: But sometimes I just need pancakes!!!!! I don't want porridge every day!!

16. 

TB: When a boy puts a spider man mask on he doesn't turn into spider man.

Me: No

TB: No, he's spider boy!!

17. 
TB: There's someone who helps the spiders and eats them up and pops them out.

They start with 'f' and 'i'. Do you know who that is?

Me: I have no idea 

TB: It's frog and iguana

18.

Me: How was your shrimp last night?

TB: It was so good.

Me: Do you love shrimp?

TB: Hmm mmmm so so much.

19. Dragon meows.
TB: I know what he was saying. I can speak cat.
Me: What did he say?
TB: Not telling.

20. Thailand.

Me: I love coconut!

TB: Why don't you fall in love with a coconut, then?

Me: Hahah, nah maybe better to fall in love with a man?

TB: What about a coconut man?!

bragging rights

My Bean is fairly awesome, as you know, obviously, however, of late his awesome has been focused on spelling and reading and being academic literary Prep student of the decade.

This isn't in comparison to others in his class or others of his age. Just in Jelly Bean terms, and, to me, that's him being the best he can be.

And I'm super proud.

We're on holiday and long-term readers know this tends to cause us both some levels of stress. But despite that and the fact that the tropical oasis break we were looking for has been a little cluttered with monsoon, litter and images of animal abuse, there's been no tears from me these holidays (except going to a friend's wedding related normal smooshy tears) and the Bean has coped fairly well.

And I'm super proud.

And today we went for a long drive all over the island, we bought a fair trade hammock, in rainbow colours although The Bean pointed out to the sales clerk that "maybe it's made of Thai rainbow colours as there's no pink in it and the song says 'red and yellow and PINK and green.' Not 'red and yellow and orange and green.'" She didn't really understand or acknowledge his obtuseness, his accent, his lack of scientific accuracy or his racism. She just told him not to drink in it or stick his fingers in the holes in the weave.

I wasn't so proud of him then.

And then after dinner tonight, he wrote a story about he and I, on his iPad.

And I was SO SO PROUD!!!

Things The Bean has said:

1. TB: Dogs are like kids they always want to play, but cats are not keen.. They like naps and sleeping and going nuts..

2. Face painting.

TB: See this camouflaged fish

Me: Can people be camouflaged?

TB: Yeh when they paint their faces they can hide in the jungle and stuff.

TB: When I was a rainbow cat I was camouflaged.

Me: Hehehe yeh I guess.

TB: Only the rainbows could see me.

3. Making smoothies 1

Me: When I'm around is the only time you can use the whizzer, otherwise it could chop your fingers off.

TB: And then we'll have fingers in our smoothie.

4. Making smoothies 2

TB: Why do they call it a smoothie, it's not smooth it's slow

5. With a big blue piece of material.

TB: See this its a gulper bag it has tiny eyes but a ginormous mouth..

It eats at the deep abyss

It can even eat humans because they are medium

Some are even tiny

You can't escape it with your escape action

(Dragon runs past)

It can even eat your pet cat!

6. 6am

TB: Mama!You can really appreciate this picture with the light on

7. 6:05 am

Me: This is a great picture

TB: Yeh, I'm an artist

8.

TB:  That is rare isn't it?

Me: Yeh that's right.

TB: Rare means it doesn't happen very much

Me: Where did you learn about rare?

TB: David Attenborough, remember when red light is rare in the abyss?

generations

Because sometimes I think a little too much about pretty much everything, I get a bit distressed about what it all means. About what this or that tiny event might mean in the world or the butterfly effect, in the concept of being a woman, a mother, a teacher, a person, an inhabitant of the planet. I wonder what generations to come will think of me, not that I haven't got enough worries with thinking about what everyone around me already thinks of me.

Then, in contrast, I think, bollocks to it, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. What you think of me. What they think of me. What he thinks of me.

I do care what the Bean thinks of me.

Even though I've done rebellious quite a lot over the years, I really do, and have always, cared what my family thinks of me.

I have so much self imposed guilt that I think I might implode.

And then other days, like today, when the sun is OUT and I am in it, I think, what in the universe is there to worry about. Worry, stress, regret, guilt, anxiety; are all an enormous waste of energy and life and precious moments in which we could all just live and be and enjoy and see and love and live, live, live!

We've just been to Confest. Can you tell?

Yesterday we saw my grandparents for just a quick drop in. My Ray, (my grandfather who, when I was little couldn't decide what he wanted me to call him, he didn't like grandpa or pop or pa or anything like that, and by stalling so long, I just called him his name) and The Bean and I sat in the backyard for a quick chat. He's nearly 85. The Bean is 6. 

Ray and the Bean, 4 generation apart, in one photo.

How awesome is that?!?

Things The Bean has said:

1. 

TB: If I was real electric, I'd be a star and I'd have lots of stars behind me that spelled my name. And Finlay would ask his mama if I was coming over to visit and she would say yes, soon, but he's in a star.

2. Spelling 1.

After almost every sentence, the Bean is now asking me to spell every word. Although I'm super stoked with his enthusiasm. It does get tricky when trying to have a conversation.

TB: I like spelling

3. 

TB: Look at my mouth, Mama. Can you see it pumping up? (huh huh hah) I'm using all of my air but I still can't fly.

4.

TB: I need a drink when I eat, so it pushes the food down. It's like a comet. Not a sea comet, but it goes down my throat and grabs the zucchini slice and flushes it down. The water is faster than the zucchini slice.

5.

TB: I'm magic, Mama, I can do all tricky things that you can't do.

Me: Cool, like what?

TB: Like handstands.

6. 

TB: How do ants dig into the concrete?

Me: There might be a tiny little crack in there so they can get underneath.

TB: And the ants have to go down and feed the babies where there's no light down there. Because the babies don't want to come up into the world where they think that people are monsters.

7. Stops his scooter to pick up a long needle thing from Norfolk Island Pine.

Me: Are you going to put that on your nature bedside table?

TB: Yeh, because I love nature.

Me: That's so cool, I love that you love nature.

TB: Yeh, I wish my scooter could fly.

8. Spelling 2

TB: If, if, of, if, if, of.

T, h, t, h, the, that, th

Good morning TH

9. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde 1

TB: My brain said, 'Have you got your drink bottle?' And I said 'Yes, I think so'. But when I got home my brain was right, I left it at school.

10. 

TB: You're symmetrical, Mama.\

11. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde 2

Me: Can you please go back outside and play, it's beautiful out there.

TB: My brain thought it was time to go inside.

12. My friend and I deciding what to drink.

Me (to her): Yeh just Merlot.

TB: I like milo..... I want a milkshake.

13.

Me: Are you super hungry?

TB: I could eat the whole world... With butter on it.

14. Joe Cocker?

Me: Come here, I'll help you do your belt up... Your fly is undone. You don't want your dangle to be hanging out. Unless you're at confest. Hehehe.

TB: At Confest you can have everything hanging out. You can take all your clothes off and be nude at Confest...Except your hat. You can leave your hat on.

15.

TB: Everytime I spend my money, Mama, I'll buy books. I promise. If the man at the shop wants me to buy something plastic I'll just say 'No, please, I'm buying books.'

16.

TB: I think this river is nature.

17.

TB: What does friendship mean, Mama?

Me: What do you think it means?

TB: I think it means when kids fall in love.

proud...

The Jelly Bean is a fairly super cool human being. We all know this, me included/especially, however, sometimes I am surprised and awed by just how cool. Just how encouraging. Just how amazing this dude actually continues to be.

I don't compare the Bean to others. Clarification, I try not to do so. I guess sometimes a diagnosis of one form or another, allows parents to just let their kids be, to allow their kids to find what it is that they want to do, some parents do this anyway. Some parents choose not to believe or allow a diagnosis to get in the way. Some people, parents and the diagnosed, use the diagnosis as an excuse for not trying, or as a boost to try harder.

I'm not really sure which one we fit into.

In some ways, on some days, I'm both. The Jelly Bean is both.

I am not judging or assuming I understand anyone else's journey or path or decisions. Most often, I don't even understand my own.

All I know is that one particular Bean who happens to be my particular off spring, who may also have a diagnosis of something that may or may not allow people to 'let him be' or accept his behaviour or push him further has taught me to check out each situation for what it is. To figure it all out a day at a time. To learn from difficulties. And often to make similar mistakes over and over.

But in saying all of that, confusing and vague as it all feels (and I wrote it), my Bean is surprising and cool.

I've said that already, haven't I?

I'm proud because in the past two weeks he has:
- received his class' Student of the Week award. It was awarded to him for "always concentrating and being kind to his classmates"

- communicated that he is "responsible" for feeding his cat and ACTUALLY spelled and wrote 'my' and 'cat' unaided.
- received one of only six  'Principal's Award' stickers distributed by the principal at his school for writing 'my' and 'cat'
- played with new friends

- made up new games with his new friends
- calmed himself down when a metldown was imminent
- read three books with little assistance
- learned all twelve of his current list of new words


But I was, in fact, the MOST proud when he put on goggles, ear plugs and a special head band (in protecting his grommet ears) and swam in the ocean for ages AND the next day, jumped in and out of my friend's pool, swimming across the length for HOURS. Requesting, even, after dinner, to return to the pool.

This Bean has been so scared of water in the past couple of months, since returning from our holiday, that he wouldn't even put his feet in.

In some ways I'm nonplussed about the awards and accolades and stickers.

HE JUMPED IN THE WATER!! LOTS!!

Things The Bean has said:

1.
TB: If we didn't call is 'twenty second' it would be called 'twenty twoth'. Get it? Twoth - like your teeth?! Hahahahaha

2.
TB: Sometimes, I play with Crystal at school. She's my spare friend.

3.
TB: We have to wear a hat outside, Mama, otherwise we will get hit by sun bullets.

4
TB: A hurricane is not actually part of the sea, it does go round and round and round, but the water is going into a cloud. The hurricane is a cloud storm.

5.
TB: 'N' has Asperger's. 'Cause it always says no.

6.
TB: Evil Sharks have Asperger's 'cause they don't like prickly things.

7.
TB: I''m so glad that when I'm older and I finish school and have done all that hard work. I will be very tired but then I'll be a human.

8.
TB: I really think about stuff, Mama. I think about nature and the universe and I think about everything.
Me: Hahahahah
TB: Why is that funny?
Me: I dunno.
TB: Then don't laugh.

9. With his Aunty Lee bean-sitting.
AL: Did you wash your bottom and your dangle in the shower?
TB: Yes.... Um, I didn't actually wash my dangle properly.
AL: But your mama said you had to wash your dangle properly.
TB: Don't worry, I'll do it next shower.

10: David Attenborough is on the telly - I'm in the kitchen, listening but not watching..
DA talks about 'Shearwaters'.
Me: They're birds aren't they?
TB: Yeah, and they share the ocean with lots of other animals. That's why they're called shearwaters. See 'share'?

11.
TB: Pockets are fun aren't they?