Travelling, particularly this time round, has made me more aware of the stuff that assisted in the bean's diagnosis. It's been just over a year now since the asperger's word was attached to part of my bean's identity and although some people I know still don't 'see it' or in other words accept it, that's ok too I guess, I see more and more evidence daily in some ways. I also see more and more evidence in all of us being on the spectrum, although not to the point of " disorder".
This trip has been the most difficult so far.
Maybe it's because I'm more aware now of the tendencies and idiosyncrasies of a person on the spectrum. Before we went to the states lat year the bean had only been newly diagnosed and I'd only had a couple of months of learning about asperger's before we left.
Maybe it's because he's bigger now and is more set in his routine. More able to communicate his desires. More likely to meltdown when things change because he is more aware of what was 'going' to happen. What was supposed to happen.
Maybe it's because he starts school soon.
Maybe it's because he got used to bouncing on his trampoline when he needed a time out. Or racing up the drive way on his scooter when he needed a break from me.
Maybe it's because he is bigger and more easily infuriated by strangers touching his arms and face and pale white skin.
Maybe it's because he is easily stressed and anxious about missing taxis or trains or planes. Or he's tired of waiting in lines.
Maybe it's because his mama has been sick for all but two days of our trip so far and she has less patience. Less kind words. Less understanding.
Maybe it's all of the above.
But on the other side of the spectrum (pun intended) i can figure stuff out more easily now. I've been able to learn so much in just over a year about the stuff that triggers anxiety. That makes him worried. I know when he needs a really squeezy hug. I know why. I know when his googly eyes are ready for bed. I understand why he's crying because he thought he was going to have strawberry jam but they only have pineapple jam. I'm so proud of his trying to calm himself down. His breathing. I know how brave he's being when he tries gravy, or spicy sauce, or dragon fruit, or noodle soup. Or pineapple jam. I show joy in his courage and he becomes more courageous.
I've been able to see the world in a different light. I'm seeing people's crazy so much more and i am so appreciative of the crazy in my life. Other people's crazy is blind. It's following to the detriment of themselves. It's being a sheep as my mum would call it. Our crazy, mine and the Bean's, is anxiety based crazy. We get scared. He gets scared cause he can't figure it out. He doesn't understand.
I guess that's why I get scared, too.
But we keep trying, hey, and that makes us the bravest.
Things the Bean has said:
1
TB: I'm thinking about what special things happen at play centres
Me: What about the special hangs happen on holidays?
TB: That's still loading . When I think bout play centres that loads fast but holidays don't load fast yet
Me: Cause it hasn't happened yet?
TB: Yeh do you know what I mean now?
Me: Yeh.
2
TB: Mama travelling overseas is happiness
3
TB: My low today was when you were sad and my high was when we saw Ho Chi Minh and the water puppets and when I played with my little brother Cun
4 In Hanoi
TB: This island is crazy.
5 On the boat shrieking with excited delight.
TB: Mama, this is happiness!
6 From the toilet.
TB: Mama are you wrecking my car roads ? Cause I made them absolutely wonderful!
7
Me: My belly is still sick..
TB: My belly is happy..
8
TB: I miss our swishy tree.
Me: Yeah it's easier for you to fall asleep when you can see the tree hey babe?
TB: yeah
Me: Maybe you could listen to the rain instead, and imagine the rain in the swishy tree?
TB: Nah that's not the same, you can see it out this window. Sleeping on the train was good, I could look out the window and see the world swishing .
TB: I love you, Mama.
Me: I love you, baby.
TB: You're the best mama
Me: You're the best jelly bean
TB: Yeah.
