The Green Butterfly - Part I

The Jelly Bean's creche is having a dress up day tomorrow. I was talking to a couple of others at work the other day and asked them what on earth I was going to get him to dress up in. The sign reporting the dress up day also clearly stated 'No Superheroes' (they kill people, see).

Pirates were ok, I was told. And considering the area, I'm sure there are going to be a few soldiers.. But I digress...

The Jelly Bean owns a Batman costume. But that is not in the rules. The other girls at work suggested a rock star, a pirate, I suggested a ghost. I was thinking of the stuff we had at home, these three options were do-able.

This morning I told the Jelly Bean that he was having a dress up day at creche. Instead of suggestions, I asked him what he wanted to be...

TB: A butterfly.
Me: Oh cool, what colour butterfly would you like to be?
TB: A Green Butterfly, please.
(Such good manners)
Me: We'll have to go buy you some wings. What if they don't have green wings, what colour would you like?
The Bean looked confused.
TB: I want to be a green butterfly, Mama.
Me: Yeah I know, but if they don't have any green wings, what colour would you choose next?
TB: Ummmmmm, yellow.
Me: OK, yellow, just in case.
TB: No please, not yellow, I want green.

We went to swimming. He got in trouble and got sent out of the pool for not doing good listening. He waited patiently then burst into tears and refused to go back into the pool. He chucked a tanty getting changed. I was about to veto the butterfly wings.

But I felt that I had to keep my side of the bargain.

And here is where the admission of shame comes in.

I wanted to be the cool mum that let's her little boy dress up as anything he wants. I wanted to be the cool mum that supports her son in anything he wants to be, to grow to be, to choose to be.

I wanted to be that mum.

So I HAD to get the butterfly wings. They didn't have green ones. They didn't have yellow ones, either.

We got blue ones. And we got some green Christmas decorations and some green shiny string stuff and with the wings came a head band (it was for girls of course) so I put green Christmas baubles onto the wire at the end of the headband and made antennae. I stuck baubles onto the wings and some string and made the wings as green and butterfly-y as possible. I got an old green singlet of his and I painted black stripes onto it. I took the black pants out of his Batman costume and he is going to wear them as insect-y legs.

I'm going to take pictures.

I'm going to be so proud of him.

We had to go to the supermarket and we saw a friend of mine while we were down there. The Bean of course, wanted to wear his new wings and antennae and he looked adorable. But I was so ready for someone to shoot him down. To ask if he was a fairy.

I had my defensive finger on the trigger, just waiting for someone to have a go at him. Or me for letting him be him.

And then I realised, this was more about me than it was about him. Two old ladies told him how good he looked. One person asked if he was a spaceman. Another woman told him to be careful because in the wind, he might just blow away on a day like today.


The friend of mine that we saw told him he was a 'very spunky butterfly'.

Then I started rambling.

And I might have even told a white lie.

Me (paraphrased - but you'll get the idea): I know, he's a butterfly, they've got a dress up day at creche tomorrow and I asked him if he wanted to be a pirate or a rock star, we have a ukelele at home, he could've taken a guitar, but he said he wanted to be a butterfly, so I was like, cool, what colour butterfly babe? and he said a green butterfly mama but they didn't have any green wings, or yellow wings which was his second choice, so we got blue ones instead....

My friend to The Bean: Your mama is SO clever making your wings more green so you can be a green butterfly, hey?

TB: Yup.

And then, later on, I called my mum to tell her how freaked out I am about an effing mouse that is plaguing my house at the moment, but ended up telling her about the green butterfly and the ramble started again although I didn't tell her any lies, I just told her that if anyone thinks he's gay they can get rooted and if they have anything to say then that is their problem. And she agreed and said whatever makes him happy and if I'm ok with that then that's fine, too.

And then I felt like she was having a go at him. I got off the phone before we could have an argument.

I love him. I want him to be happy. I don't want his life to be about me. I don't want to push him either way to make any decisions he doesn't think are right for him.

Now I'm in tears because he wanted to be a green butterfly and I've become THAT mum.

Not the supportive one, the cool, calm, accepting, ace one. Not the one that doesn't see gender, that doesn't hold stake in gender roles, sexual preferences, identity of sexual preference or gender at not even four years old. Instead I'm THAT mum. The awful, opposite of all that I outwardly represent.

The hypocrite one.

The militant one.


Things The Bean has said.

TB: A,B,C,D,E,F,G. H,I,J,K,ELemendede, P,Q,R,S - W, X,Y and Z now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me.
(I keep waiting to see if he'll include T,U,V and I wait til the last micro second to interject and say T,U,V but he always gets to W before I can do it. Timing is everything I'm told..)


In the car.
TB: Mama, I'd like a boat.
Me: Really?
TB: Yup.
Me: But I can't afford a boat, baby.
TB - BLANK STARE
Me: I don't have enough money for a boat.
TB: Yeah, ya do.