Langkawi -part 1

This is what I'm feeling at 11:10pm Malaysia time, which is 2:10am Melbourne time. I've been awake for 23 hours, the Bean's been awake for 21 with a two hour rest stop in between and a crash as we speak. We are still flying. We were delayed in KL. We are not at our destination of Langkawi and I hope we arrive before the night desk person goes home to their bed.

I hope we have a bed to sleep in tonight.

I am in awe of my son. I'm surprised he hasn't chucked the biggest tantrum and asked for a refund. He would be well within his rights at this stage. I'm surprised I still have my parenting license.

He has had a few tantrums he has cried and shouted and run away and pushed me away, I apologise.

I'm breaking a promise to my mum by writing this, for thinkingnthese bad things about myself. I apologise.

He is currently doing the wobbly train sleep. Because he refuses to sleep on my shoulder. There isn't much love left in him and as we all know, when we make mistakes, we have little love left for ourselves.

I think I've made a mistake.

I'm wondering why we're here. I'm wondering what I've done, am doing to him. And for what? Do I take him overseas for an adventure, for his bettering, for him to experience and enjoy what the amazing wide beautiful world and it's people has to offer?

Or is it for my pride?

Is it for me to say, hey, look what I can do? Look at this killer single mum jettsetting all over the place. Look how cultured that little boy is, his mum must be SO amazing, wow and she does it all by herself?

I can't do this all by myself. I, in actual fact, probably shouldn't do this all by myself.

We all need a voice of reason, and I've lost mine somewhere along the way of self righteous ideologies and experience and only living once and being brave..

Because right now brave is the last thing that I'm feeling.

And my beautiful boy has been lost in my cross fire.

And I just want to go home, wishing I was not the cause for his first all-nighter. Wishing it was an important piece of homework, or a party that I wished he hand't gone to or a girl.

But instead it was me.

And all my tears have gotten us is a better seat on the delayed plane.

Harper's tears have broken my heart and I just wish I could take it all back.






Thank the Lord, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, Aphrodite, Venus and all whom you may hold holy, he has just snuggled into my shoulder for the last ten minutes of the flight.

He loves me, yet.