In my family we have a history of crazy, of hyperactive thyroids, of DVTs, of diabetes (Type 1 and 2), of strokes, of alcoholism, of smoking, of working class, of blue eyes/brown eyes/grey eyes/green eyes, tall-ness, skinny and rounded bodies, big boobs, knobby knees, Dupuytren's Contracture, bunions, Autism, anxiety, depression, bulimia, anorexia, Restless Leg syndrome, nail biting, white lies, door slamming, shouting, good teeth but split cuticles, asthma, swearing, rock' n' roll appreciation, kissing people hello and goodbye, hugging, love of good films, love of stupid films (my Mum and my Brother LOVE those car racing ones - spew!), Uno, 500, photographs, good cooks from minimal ingredients, love of books and books and books and books.
We sound pretty intense.
We are, most of the time.
I've had a pretty intense week. I lost my shit the other day, over a tricky morning getting ready with The Bean after a tricky week at work for me. He wanted to get into the car as I was stepping out of the shower. I told him he could but I'd be a few minutes. After about 30 seconds he rushed back in all upset, he'd put the keys in the recycle bin instead of the recycling. I went out, in a towel, to retrieve my car keys. In a huff.
He was super apologetic.
I told him it was ok, but that he needed to think.
He didn't mean it.
I know he didn't.
I went back inside and cried to Mark and raged and stomped and threw my clothes around and cried. And felt guilty for not being able or caring or coping. Because even though he doesn't mean it, even though he is usually the coolest, easiest, high function little person I know of, sometimes I just wish he didn't have Autism. I just wish I didn't have to go out into the driveway in a towel to retrieve keys from the depths of a bin. That doing that wasn't an isolated case. That I didn't have to argue every point. That I didn't have to back track to months ago when I said something I hadn't stuck to doing. That he'd remember to go to the toilet. That he'd be able to play with other kids without always being a bit weird. That he didn't need to do so many hand movies. That I could entertain him and figure out or understand the hand movies.
That I could make it better.
Because I have my own crazy. And I wish he didn't have to worry about me. That he didn't have to worry about anything and that worry and anxiety were not part of his deal. Not part of his journey. That I'd had enough for both of us. That I could take his away.
That I wish he didn't have any.
And then again, if I had to choose - the family history, the pre-dispositions, the genetics, the nightmares, the intensity, the arguments, the tears, the hugging, the towel on a cold morning getting car keys out of a bin.
I'd choose every single time, every single cell, for him to be exactly who he is. Exactly that Bean.
Because, Gods I love him.
Things The Bean has said:
1.
TB : Your spaghetti and Mark's spaghetti and Ninna's spaghetti needs 'Special' in front of it like 'Special Orange Soup'. Our family makes special food, don't they?
2
TB: Mama you have to come in here! I've made a huge mistake
Me (walking to his room): That's ok, that's how we learn.
TB: But I've got all the buttons in the wrong holes! You need to fix it.
3.
TB: Lighting is the blood of thunder clouds.. Really pouring out blood. Not like water. Like rain is water. Lightning is the really bad bits.
4.
TB: Your soul is the part of you that tells your brain all the things you love
5.
Tricky Monday morning explanation
TB: Why does war come out of freedom?
6.
TB: My favourite sushi is chicken sushi and tuna sushi. People catch tuna because they actually want more sardines and tuna eats all the sardines so actually it's fair. But I don't want the tuna to die but I really love to eat tuna. So I guess that's just what happens.
7.
Talking about his French Canadian Aunty who died just before he was born.
TB: How old was she when she died?
Me: She was 18 or 19
TB: That's not good. Teenagers should live until they're about 100. Not just 19.
8.
TB sees feminine hygiene product.
TB: What do you use that for?
Me: Do you remember I told you how women have periods?
TB: Yeah.
Me: Do you remember what a period is?
TB: Yeah, like the Jurassic Period.
Me: Right, we need to have another talk.
9.
Me: What do you need to have when you're an adult?
TB: To do good in your job.
Me: So you need a job?
TB: I'm gonna be a diver.....
(Long talk about diving and boats and not needing to teach or work in a dive shop, that someone will just pay him to dive)
Me: Why do you need a job?
TB: To pay for diving.
Me: And what do we eat? Where do we live?
TB: Ugh, food and houses. But I'll just live on the boat..... Then if you have kids...
Me: So what do you need to have kids?
TB: Um....... A girl?
Me: Yup..
TB: Do you have to pay for them?!
Me: Hahahaha.. No not really, Hahahha.. but if you and your girlfriend have kids, you have to pay for them..
TB: You're going to send this message to people aren't you?
Me: Yup.
TB: I wonder if my kids will be sad when I go to work.
Me: Are you sad when I go to work?
TB: No, but I'm sad when Mark goes to work.
10.
TB : Did you know the earth used to be a blob of gold. Then it grew up and now that blob of gold is our core. And also that steam is made out of water. And way before anything, after the earth was built from that blob of gold it was raining gold from a star. The earth got made out of all the work the universe had to do. And that's how the gold coins got made. From that star! And if you dig in the mountains you can find gold! And the moon has different kind of air!
11.
TB soccer is just foot netball and netball is hand soccer.. It's the same game with different parts of the body!
12.
Me: I love radishes!
TB: I don't.
Me: You don't even know, you won't taste 'em.
TB: I can tell what they taste like with my face. Urgh!
13.
TB: Messages aren't you talking, it's just your phone and the other phone talking. To talk to you have to call them.
14.
TB: Why can't we go into bully's brains and shoot electricity into their bad parts and stop them being yuck to people
15.
Everything is awesome song on repeat out of TB's mouth
TB: I love this song!
Me: I know.
TB: Do you love this song?
Me: Honestly?
TB: Yeah
Me: I find it actually a little annoying
TB: Why?!
Me: Because it's only two lines repeating
TB: But that's why it's good. It means you can learn the song and sing it
Pause
Actually it's great that it repeats
16.
TB: Mama! I've discovered a scientific thing!
Me: Really? What scientific thing?
TB: If I clean my teeth really fast with one hand and hold the drawers with my other hand it makes the drawers wobble..
17.
TB: Dragon wasn't taught how to be a cat, he wasn't with his mama long enough.. He walks on two legs like a crazy monkey
18.
TB: Now that you've said that I won't nag anymore
Me: Yeah but nagging's not cool man, it means you're not listening to what...
TB: Yeah but I won't nag anymore!
Me: That's just because you got what you wanted!
TB: I know
19
TB: When's Mark coming back?
Me: Tomorrow night.
TB: Great! I can't wait for him to come back.
Me: yeah me either. You miss him?
TB: Nah I just need to ask him how to make the roller coaster turn around corners in minecraft. All my mining carts keep flying into the water. There's about a million in there.
20.
TB: It's too cold mama. This weather is nonsense
21.
TB: If I get too angry my brain goes like water and exploding and then fire and then like lava and then it explodes and then it's the end of the world.
22.
Running naked
Me: God I love your bum
TB: Why? That's a disgusting thing to like!
23.
How he wants to always cut his hair and I want him to always grow it long and shaggy.
Me: But your hair is looking so cool
TB: I don't want to look too cool, I like cool but I don't want to be TOO cool.
24.
Dragon gets a puffy tail
TB: I can calm dragon down like a cat magician
Me: Do you think if I ever have more babies you'll help calm them down too?
TB: Yeah, I'm the calming down magician for babies and cats.
25.
TB: Mama, you know what helps me dream? I think. Thinking is pretend dreaming
26.
TB: Is life real? I asked Riley's mum and she said yes
Me: What do you think?
TB: I think life is real life and dreams are in your brain. Because life happens in the real world and dreams go out of your brain. When you've edited them. But you know how we are made of stars?
Me: Yeah
TB: Well that means that stars all came to earth to be people. And there's millions and millions of stars.
27.
But then within minutes of the comment above.
TB: Imagine picking your nose all the way up to your brain!! That would hurt, d ya know why? Your brain's electric!!!!
28.
TB:Is pencil and grey lead a tattoo for paper?
29.
Me: How many sausages do you want?
TB: Maybe four. Or ten?
30.
Me: Did I explain that properly?
TB: Yeah I get it now
Me: I'm glad you ask me cool questions
TB: Yeah you explain things so I can understand
Me: Do I? When can't you understand things?
TB: Tests. Tests tell you to do things that no one in the world can ever understand, about paper clips and blue lines and stuff. Someone needs to change the instructions on tests
Me: What did the test ask you to do?
TB: It said to measure the blue line with the paper clip. But the paper clip was drawn on the test. I couldn't measure the line because I couldn't cut out the paper clip. They didn't give us any scissors! But I got through the question eventually, I had to draw paper clips on the line.
31.
Me: You're a whacko!
TB: Thank you!
32.
Promises it was made up in his brain!
TB: Mama, what's a tv that the sun watches?
Me: I dunno, what?
TB: A sun screen!
33.
I've been marking Year 12 exams this year as an official assessor (never again mind you, but there's on experience I've had!)
TB: How are your exams going?
Me: They're ok, I've still got 35 to go.
TB: 35!? That's good! You used to have 200 and now you've only 35 left! How many is 200 minus 35?
Me: 165, that's how many I've done.
TB: Wow!!! 165? You must know all the answers now!
34.
TB: What's the fastest thing in the world that's turbo?Me: What? I dunno.
TB: The peregrine falcon, it's 320 kilometres an hour in it's hunting dive.
35.
TB: Can you tell me how you vote? Do you go in and sit on a chair and close your eyes and tell the people what you want to vote for?
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