Rocks and Waves and Around the world in 70 days!

Periodically, since The Bean was a baby, in fact, maybe from before he was born, I've experienced times of over emotional, waves of love/panic. It doesn't last very long as an entity but it reveals itself from time to time over the course of a few days or even up to a couple of weeks. This love/panic wave tends to reveal itself as a feeling of guilt or a feeling of fear or a feeling of joy or dread or confusion or excitement or a combination of all of the above.

The first time I had this wave was when I was about 7 weeks pregnant, in the plane on the way home to Australia, from Canada. I talked to The Bean about radiation and aeroplanes and how if it stayed where it was, (he was an 'it' then) I would keep it as safe as possible, staying away from wings and engines etc, until we got home. The second wave I had was when I found out about a few complications I was going to have with my pregnancy. The third, major, wave I had was when I thought The Bean wasn't going to make it out alive, literally, when I was rushed into an emergency ceasarian section.

These pre-birth love/panic waves were nothing on the now alive Jelly Bean waves. And I've definitely gone through my own share of crazy in life. Before and after The Bean, not because of The Bean, but in my head. And these waves hit me hard. I'll just be doing something seemlingly unrelated and I'll look at The Bean and POW - Right in the kisser! I get hit by a love/panic wave that stops my heart and makes me feel crazy emotions, crazy protective, mother lion instincts that would force the Devil himself back to Hades rather than mess with me type emotions.

The love/panic wave has hit me a bit in the past couple of weeks, on and off and I wasn't sure why. There's been some stress in my job. I had an operation to remove my wisdom teeth, I've been a bit sick and The Bean's been a bit sick but that's all normal life stuff, really. And I realised, bit slow on the uptake sometimes, that the holiday my folks are going on is less than two weeks away. They'll be gone for ten weeks and I'm so excited for them and proud of them that they are finally going on a round the world adventure. They're in their early fifties and for their whole lives they've busted their butts looking after me and my little brother that now, that they've got some time and they've paid their stuff off, they can actually go and enjoy themselves and be free of responsibility. And it's awesome!

And I'm cool.

And my brother's cool.

And The Jelly Bean has a pretty awesome mum that rocks it home, lookin' after him and stuff.

But holy crap, Mum and Dad won't be there. They won't be 15 minutes drive away. They'll be on the other side of the world.

And it's ok when I decide that I'm going on the other side of the world, I'm cool, like I said.

But the rocks that have always been there, the rocks that have been, well, rocks, throughout an entire lifetime, literally, mine and then The Bean's, the rocks that have supported this mum in her journey of single mum-ness, aren't going to be around the corner.

And I guess the love/panic waves are hitting a bit more often and a little bit harder than they have in the past, they are hitting, pummelling, crashing into me on the shore that is my life (oooh, LOVE a good metaphor!) and they are showing up 'cause I might be just a teensy bit scared of doing this mum thing without a rock, or two, to cling onto, when the waves crash. (Get it? I extended the metaphor even more then, clever, I know! See how I also made a joke at my own expense because I'm getting nervous just writing about it?)

Anyway, musing to figure it out. It'll be ok.

And I'm so excited for them. I want to make sure, that, in writing, I tell them to eat lots of yummy food, drink pints in pubs with locals that they can't understand, buy lunch then sit in a park or near rivers or lakes and watch the world go by in a place in the world they've never been before, never eaten lunch before. I want to tell them to wander around markets, take photos and breathe. Because these were the best bits about travelling for me.

That and coming home with a magical little tiny Jelly Bean.

Things The Bean has said:

This morning my mouth was hurting and it was my first day back at work after the operation.

Upon waking...
Me: Owwwww...
TB: What's hurting, Mama?
Me: Mama's still got a sore mouth. Come on babe, time to get up.
TB: From your operation?
Me: Yup.
TB: Ugh, gross.

I'm by this stage in the bathroom, turning lights on.

Me: What's gross?
TB: In my mouth.
Me: What's gross in your mouth?

The Jelly Bean walks into the bathroom.

TB: There's bits of snails in there, look!