Peace and Love

I have just had a birthday. I'm now an odd number and although I'm an odd person, I'm a little prejudiced against odd numbers. They inherently, within their title, don't make sense. I'm, in some ways, a very sensible person. In others, illogical. Or as one friend coined the term, I suffer interminably from a major case of 'Sam Logic'. I was born on the cusp of two star signs, two very oppositional star signs. Cancer/Leo. Moon/Sun. Water/Fire. Hides in Shell. Stands on Stage. Logical/Emotional. Even the notion of star signs is one I question and believe in simultaneously. At times, it's very tiring being me, all this back and forth. Rational. Superstitious. Practical. Obsessive. Empowered. Guilt ridden. *yawn*

I have had a tough mental health week. I've been sick on and off for weeks. I argued with my mum. I cried. I panicked that my year 12s had no idea what they were supposed to do and that was ALL my fault. I cried. I shouted at my son for wriggling when I was pulling his t-shirt sleeve down once he'd put his hoodie on. I shouted at my son for annoying me. I cried. I shouted at my students for being teenagers. I shouted at my son for being four. Pretty much.

On Friday I had a whole bunch of friends and family over for a birthday dinner. It was a bring-a-plate Meze feast and I set up my house with the atmosphere and decor of a Bedouin tent. I had such a wonderful time, we ate, we shared, we laughed and disgusting stories, we smoked a hookah, people talked to strangers and it was wonderful.

Yesterday, I downloaded the new Chili Peppers song. I am the world's BIGGEST, MOST FAITHFUL Red Hot Chili Peppers fan and I waited 6 WHOLE days before downloading or hearing the new Chili Peppers song so I could download it as a birthday present to myself. I listened to it on repeat for over an hour. I hung out with my family for a birthday lunch. The Jelly Bean had called my Mum last week and asked her help him make me a Roller Skate cake. I requested the Roller Skate cake was a Chocolate Ripple cake. We watched the Foo Fighters' documentary. I took the Jelly Bean to see a Roller Derby Bout. I smiled a lot. I went to bed sleepy and content.

This morning I woke up and checked my facebook. I was excited to have a few new 'Happy Birthday' messages from my beautiful friends who live in other countries where it had become my birthday later than it had here. I share a birthday with Slash and Daniel Radcliffe. I looked on my home page and saw that Slash had commented upon the Norwegian tragedy. I googled it.

There were two Norwegian tragedies. A bomb that killed at least 7 people. The man accused of that bomb then travelled, in a police uniform, to a small island and shot, at gross pointe blank in many cases, into the faces, heads and bodies of over 85 young people. They are all dead. Because he believed in something different to them. For what they believed in.

Peacefully?

On the news page that I read, there was a link at the bottom of the page to another article. Amy Winehouse was found dead in her house in North London. She was 27.

The Jelly Bean and I love her music. A lot. People are making jokes on facebook. I explained to the Bean that she had died and he said 'That lady died?' and then the first comment he made this morning, once we began listening to her album 'Back to Black' was to repeat the lyrics in her song 'Just Friends':
TB: Mama, she said "and the guilt will kill you".

My son is four. My son is off with the pixies (or dragons) most of the time. My son loves being on stage. My son was recently at my school during our school production rehearsals and had control of the mic for over twenty minutes singing to 60 teenagers, who sang along with him. My son dances all the time. My son has recently transformed into a green dragon, having changed his filmic obsession from 'WALL-E' to 'How to train your Dragon'. My son 'flies' everywhere and we argue about the difference between him spitting on everything and this actually being 'fire from deep in his throat'. My son is a natural, confident performer. My son rocks a drum kit with those 15 years his senior. My son has rhythm and spunk and hilarity and charisma and charm and talent. My son will more than likely be involved in the dramatic/performing/comedic/musical arts. My son may not be famous. My son may not touch the world with his talent or gifts or words. But my son will believe in things. My son will feel things. My son will have issues. We all have issues.

My son, will one day be 27.

Nearly 100 young people famously died on my birthday this year. They were all somebody's children.

And the guilt that we feel for the little things, for shouting, for wriggling, for interrupting, for saying something that we thought was a joke but came out hurtful, for not being on our best behaviour, for hurting the feelings of those that we love, could be let go. We could apologise and remedy our mistake. Because the ongoing guilt could be energy spent better by loving. While they are here to love.

May they all Rest Eternally Peaceful.


Things The Bean has said:

1. Dragon Comment #1
TB: Mama, I have fire in my belly.
Me: Do you?
TB: Yep, and when I get angry at things I breathe fire on them.
Me: Will you breathe fire on me?
(The Bean looks at me with as much serious and attitude as is possible in any one face)
TB: Yes. ALL the time.

2. Dragon Comment #2
Me: Can you please stop spitting everywhere?
TB: It's not spit. I'm a real dragon. It's dragon fire.

3. Dragon Comment #3
TB: Mama, dragons eat everything. I eat everything, like special dip and biscuits.

4. We were doing a Three Little Pigs jigsaw puzzle.
TB: Mama, this pig looks really frustrated.

5. The Bean has been asking about what's in things. I mean - EVERYTHING. Here is a list so far:

- TB: Mama, what's in lights?
- TB: Mama, what's in chairs?
- TB: Mama, what's in trucks?
- TB: Mama, what's in Desmond? (Dr Mr Desmond 'The Tardis' is our car)
- TB: Mama, what's in a tardis?
- TB: Mama, what's in seals?
- TB: Mama, what's in Lightening McQueen?

6.
TB: Mama, what's in cats?
Me: I dunno, bones and muscles and organs and blood and stuff.
TB: I have blood in me. (That serious/attitude face returns) And heaps of fire.

7.
Me: Will you clean up that leggo so we can watch the Dragon movie?
TB: I will! Just relax.