boys to men

I'm not sure where this is going to go, I usually have an idea what I want to write about, and an end point. Now is not the case. This is a confused start.

This has been a big week for me and thinking about masculinity, strength and how my boy will grow to be a man. I went to a talk by the author/psychologist Steve Biddulph, who wrote 'Manhood' and 'Raising Boys' amongst others. Both books I have not yet read, borrowed from the library with every intention of doing so, but returning them un-opened.

Most often when I read I want to read things that inspire me and interest me and often entertain me. I read before I go to sleep. Or when I have marking to do. I do want to know the secret to raising my son to grow into a good man but would prefer to read some short stories before I go to bed, or Harry Potter. Or Bridget Jones' Diary.

Biddulph's talk was inspiring. It did interest me. It made me laugh and it gave me some fundamentals that will help in knowing what boys need in order to be healthy men.

1. Spend time with them.
2. Play rough and tumble games, teaching them to know when to stop so no one gets hurt.
3. Teach them to respect women. And people, in general.
4. Honour their tender feelings.

It's all fairly obvious. He also spoke at length about healthy relationships with their dads. Hmmmm, that is going to be tough for the Jelly Bean. But he has a fab relationship with his Papa and we are working on him spending more time with him with the advice and information gathered from this talk.

But the advice and the information gathered at this talk didn't just get me thinking about my own son. Or my own father. Or my son's father. Or my brothers. Or my male friends. It got me thinking about my students. In particular the things Biddulph said about teenage boys. About our young men.

- The life expectancy for males is shorter overall, but this is because in most age brackets, more males die than females.
- The 15-24 age bracket is the worst with the top four 'killers' being
* Violence
* Car Accidents
* Workplace accidents
* Suicide
- All of these 'killers' are behavioural. Therefore they are choices. Decisions.
- These boys are dying at increasing rates
- Men haven't been the same since the industrial revolution when our dads starting leaving the family at home during the day and coming home late at night, when boys stopped doing everything with their dads, when boys stopped watching their dads in order to learn how to be men
- Pre-industrial revolution boys were with dads and uncles and grandfathers all the time, from around 6-13 it was dads primarily, at 14 they were men themselves, they were mentored by other men, learning the trades, from men outside their immediate families
- The apprenticeship system is the last standing institution from these times
- It takes a village to raise a baby.

It takes a village to raise a baby.

Some time ago a young man I know of committed suicide. 17 year old, male, depressed, risk taking behaviour, drug experimentation, broke up with his girlfriend, killed himself; classic case. I never knew him. But I know people who knew him. I'm close with people who knew him. The people who knew him need to talk about it. These other boys NEED to talk about it.

But they don't. Or they can't. Or they don't know how.

We need, WE MUST, teach our boys how.

We must teach them to take time before they act. To teach them to wait, and think it through. We must teach them play but to know when to stop so no one gets hurt. We must teach them to respect each other. Themselves.

We MUST honour their tender feelings. We love our sons and our brohters. Our dads and nephews. I love my students. I love my son.

I will teach them how.


Things The Bean has said:

1. Looking through a French/English picture dictionary
He sees a stove.
TB: See this, it's for cupcakes.
He sees some cutlery.
TB: I hold knives at the bottom. *gestures to the bottom* but I can't take these ones off the page.
Me: Why do we have to hold knives at the bottom?
TB: 'Cause they're sharp and if you hold them at the top you can cut yourself and then the floor will be covered in bleeding.


2. The Bean blows his nose then cracks up laughing, hysterically.
TB: I just gave you a snore blow!


3. In trying to convince The Bean to get ready for the shower so we could go to the drive in for a special night out, to see the new Cars film. I admit to using one of the most infuriating 'parent' tricks in the book.
Me: Oh well, I'm ready to go to the Cars movie.
TB: I'm going, too.
Me: Well not if you're not ready. You've got to have a shower or I might just go by myself.
TB: If you go by yourself and leave me here by myself I will be very cross.


4. There was a noise coming from his drink bottle while The Bean was drinking.

TB: What's that noise?
Me: It's just some air going into the bottle when you're drinking.
TB: Don't be ridiculous.
Me: Hahahahahah, I'm not, that's the noise that it makes.
TB: Air doesn't go into drink bottles, that doesn't make me any sense.


5. Trying to convince me to make pancakes, two breakfasts in a row.
TB: Mama, I don't want Vita Brits, Vita Brits make my tummy cold.


6. Going through the cooking utensils' drawer.
*Lifts a rolling pin*
TB: Looks, it's my walking stick.
*Lifts up a basting brush*
TB: What's a paint brush doing here?
Me: It's not a paint brush, you use it for cooking.
TB: There's no such things as cooking paint.


7. The Bean had had a few accidents in one day. We were at a friend's house in the evening and I wanted to make sure he didn't have an accident there.
Me: Ok, babe, toilet, please.
TB: Again?
Me: Yep, c'mon.
TB: Mama, will you give me a break?!


8.
TB: Mama, do you like lemonade?
Me: Yup.
TB: Do you put lemons in it?
Me: Yeah, sometimes.
TB: And do you put in some nade, too?